Meaning

For some reason lately, I have found a great need to look up the definitions of words. Not just random word-of-the-day-toilet-paper type words, but words I commonly use. It's as if suddenly I needed to take the word back to it's original self and start over. I had allowed words themselves to become common. I would say something, check myself by its definition, and realize I had done that backwards. I want words to have meaning again. When I tell someone they are amazing, beautiful, good, etc, I want them to be able to believe the words and hold the truth that resounds in them. I want the full magnitude of intentional words to ring truth that is not just stepped over as words often are. I want a flood of meaning and heart to sweep over someone when I tell them I love them and how much Papa loves them. I use words a lot. And often the same ones because no others seem to catch the depth of truth they can hold. Yet in that usage, they have become commonplace and lack the power they once had. It does not hold less meaning from my end, yet the power is gone. Downloading a Dictionary app and excessively utilizing it has not helped my plight any however. How do we restore power, meaning and truth to the words we have used for so long?
I'm guesssing it is as many things, not possible. However, Papa can fix it. If he can restore the people who have wasted words and time and meaning... which He does/has, then certainly he can do the same for our words. "Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be PLEASING in your sight..." Not just acceptable, but pleasing. By the restoration of the heart, the truth can not only flow out, but be received in. Everything changes. When we know and receive love, we can feel it hit us to the core when we walk into it. The magnitude of the gllimpse we get alone, leaves one breathless. Imagine if we truly got it in its fullness.
Words.
Learning to use them.

A friend recently told me that I didn't need to mourn lost love when I was so full of His love.
She was saying so much in these words. But they were hard to receive.
Not because they weren't true, or because they were cliche or overused.
Simply because I was holding onto something. Something that was tightly clenched in my hand, not in plain sight, but tucked away behind white knuckles.
Loss.
I had to let it sink in and figure out where it was.
I hadn't even realized.
Loss of love.
Not all love, not even much love. But a sliver of love just the same.
My heart was filled but I was still looking at it as if it had a hole in it.
All love is in addition to His because his fills it up, completely.
Family, friends, a partner, etc are simply the overflow from a heart already full and pouring out.
That's how we love well. From a heart filled by him. It's just overflow.
I have been asked several times in the las couple years what my love language is:
Words of affirmation
Physical touch
Gifting
Quality time
Acts of service
And frankly it's hard to tell.
How does one narrow down how they best give and receive love.
Why not all of the above.
Speak, hug, give, go, do... It's love in completion.
Do it.
MEAN IT!!!

Written in Stone Part 2: HAVILAH

So... Once upon a time, February 3, 2009 to be exact, I was given a Word by Papa over the renewing of my name. A very tangible redeeming of a name I had despised for a long time. He turned my dirt into a proclamation for Earth... I copied it below just to tag them together without starting over.

New Year's Eve/Day of 2011, He did it again, but in a much more powerful way. The story of that night still blows my mind. I've never been in such awe, presence, or freedom. It was amazing and powerful. More than I ever dreamed. The story of healing, freedom, truth, release, and purpose.

In the end, a new name had been given by Papa. A name that spoke to my wounds and insecurities in the deepest possible way. A name that proved He knew me, He saw my pain, He was there the whole time, He loved me anyway. This much.

That new name was Havilah.

It is a Hebrew name.

It means:

1. The place in Eden where exceptionally pure gold is found.

2. to dance

3. strength

4. to collect or gather

5. to show, tell, or make known

6. to worship

Wow. He really does see me.

With a word, He has spoken...

healing to my gaping wounds.

truth of purpose into my lies of uselessness.

restoration to the pieces I thought I'd lost.

value to my sense of worthlessness.

innocence to my deepest shame.

There is so much more to our stories than we could ever imagine. Papa does see and know all. He does save our tears in a bottle. He not only knows how to use our mistakes for our good, but has every intention of doing so. There is nothing that He cannot restore, redeem, heal, and use for our good.

He loves so much. So well. Perfectly.

And that's all he asks of us, really.

1. Love God above all.

2. Love others as yourself.

LOVE. That's it. Everything else can appropriately fall under one of these.

Nothing is of value without love.

But we are of great value because we are loved and we love.

tuesday, february 3, 2009

Written in Stone

So, tonight I was in a Bible study that is led by an extreme, thought provoking, wall-breaching, Spirit filled prophetess. Also there was a great friend of mine who is a phenomonoly gifted teacher, proclaimer, purpose finding, lesson living truth seeker. That being said, you will understand how I reached this point tonight. I was asked what my name meant (how THOUGHT PROVOKING), and of course shouted out the blatant obvious of how I live in it..."DIRT" yes maam, my name means dirt.Since then the TRUTH has been SEARCHED out and more has come to light (one may even say the light of day or DAWN). (see why I explained the two at the begining? now you know where they each fit in without my having to dialogue lol). Turns out the following is true:

Tera- Dirt, Earth

h- exhale, the outbreathing, or as in the breath of life God breathed into Adam, or the way He changed the names of Abram and Sarai to include His breath of life into AbraHam and SaraH

Jane- Merciful

God has spoken over a name of ordinary uselessness and turmoil with His breath, His essence, to cause life to spring forth from this pile of dirt to proclaim mercy to the ends of the Earth. If that does not cause me to live in the promise, I do not know how else to be inspired to seek truth or live in His exhale.

Just to add another point, my name at birth was :
Jacqueline- protector

For any of you who really know me or have endeavored to breach my walls, you understand how hard I strive to not be KNOWN, I am a protector of myself and am at this point in my life being called to relinquish that hold I covet over my own pride and secrecy and illusion of security through hiding. I have recently come to realize that I have wanted a life of masquerade parties and basement living in every sence of the meaning they imply.
But, just as my earthly name was changed, so it will be again.
We are told in Revelation that we will be given a new name written on a stone, known only to us by the creater of life Himself. TRUE Father will give us our purposed name when it has been fulfilled.
Turns out you cannot be a protector of self AND an effective proclaimation of His mercy to all the earth at the same time. How appropriate that the name given to me by my earthly father meant protector and when he abandoned his post as my earthly protector it was changed to a name in which my purpose was exhaled over me by my Heavenly Father. A name that will cause me to break the chains of self preservation and proclaim His name and great mercy to the ends of the Earth!

Free to love

Wow. It has been 2 1/2 years since I posted a blog.

How time flies. I can't even begin to know where to start this...

This has been the hardest, worst, and best two years of my life. There has been so much loss, separation, fear, and fighting. yet, on the other hand, so much more of it was love, freedom, rescue, restoration, and awakening. The last 12 months have been especially enlightening. It was like last New Year's Day I was introduced to myself for the first time, and have since been getting to know me. I know how strange that can sound, but its so very accurate. I have never been more aware of who I am, who I have been, and who I am meant to be. Its a process and I am happy to walk in it.

I have come to realize how much love means. I have learned things about love I never believed could be true. I have been shown love languages I didn't know existed. I have grasped its importance in a whole new way.

We have been rescued from the Law and freed from condemnation, so Jesus was once asked what the greatest commandment was. His answer was very simple, yet huge: LOVE! Love Him more than anything and love your neighbor as yourself. Nothing is more important than love. Love Papa. Love others. Love. That's it! Everything else falls under that! Just as the Law "fell" away under His love for us.

Love has always been a huge part of my life. But in my perception, it was always an outward flow...I just didn't realize it. I love to love. I always have. And many times I would say I love love, but I don't think I did. Not until the last couple years taught me more and showed me a picture of love. I actually think I believed I was the only person that knew how to love. And yet, I didn't even choose to do it well before. It was a risk. A vulnerability. A mistake. It is a heart broken, refusing healing, that sees love as a mistake. No matter what. So walls are erected, and a ceiling slammed into place, and doors and windows sealed up and the heart is "protected". In reality, we have just convinced ourselves not to receive love as truth, and not to love well...UNTIL... a person/people love(s) so well and so relentlessly, that we have to open up some, suddenly realizing what we have been missing all along and wanting in. Once that world is seen as it can truly be, there is no way we would ever want to go back to a sad, lonely version of it. All I want to do now is love. Well, Lavishly, Purely, Constantly,... and without fear. That doesn't mean I always will. It means I will always try. I have had a few good teachers. And Papa is teaching me so much more than any of them ever thought about. This perspective is amazing. This freedom is intoxicating. This love is Moving!

This is a mess.

So am I.

We all are.

Enter: love.

We are a loved mess.

You are loved.

You are important.

You are needed.

You are not an accident.

You are not forgettable.

You are not replaceable.

You are beautiful.

I love you.

Papa loves you more.

He trusts you.

Be Still...

I have been battered by Ps 46:10 for quite some time now. For a long time I found it amusing, then it was just annoying, and after a while, I will admit it became frustrating! I thought I had gotten the point and it was time to move on. I believed the WORD had been received and a new one was in order. The section of the verse that has chased after me was for so long... "Be still and know that I am God." I have it hanging on my wall, written on my mirror, and highlited in my Bible, on stationary, etc with the expectation of finally finding the part I have been missing and embrace the message intended. The main point I had a problem with was the "be still" part. Funny that I was rushing through a message of stillness :)...it's just like me.

Well, the other day, I read the verse in its entirety, and guess what... any of you that know me will be able to see why it now excites me...the rest of the very same verse reads "... I will be exalted among the nations." I am now quite content to embrace all else God is in eager anticipation for me to grasp out of this WORD, ALL of it. I must remember, accept, and embrace the stillness in order to be successful in my kingdom purpose among the nations. Let's see what else there is to finding Him in the stillness. To fully experience Him I would imagine is much like Moses being covered on the rock to glimpse His back and walking away forever and visibly changed. Hoping for the glimpse I do not understand the impact of.
Proclaim Him,
Terah

Created For You

Verse 1:
One is searching high and low
To find what's missing
No one knows
Another wrestles near and far
Struggling, it's just
Too hard

Chorus:
The pieces that they try to find
The answers that they reach for
Will all be known
Because You will show
You are what they were
Created for

Verse 2:
Down on knees, afraid of tears
Your deliverance
Found here
Praying that the pain will end
This broken heart,
You ache to mend

Chorus 2:
The pieces that we need to find
The answers that we all reach for
Will all be known
You promise to show
You are what we were
Created for

Bridge:
Your desire's to love
Deliver above
All fear
You want to take our pain
Pour over us like rain
And heal

Deliverance from Addiction/Overcoming Temptation

I have an addictive personality! That basically means that I become enslaved by just about everything I have ever tried. There are even things that I avoid trying because of my history of addiction (and present struggles with them). I have had a love/hate relationship with a ton of things: smoking, gambling, food, people, and MORE! I still struggle with all of them and in some cases have made little to no progress. I have been so worn out by the struggle of self fixing and the inability to just plain abandon these addictions, because I have made it my personal battle without any hope of deliverance.

Well, Sunday morning, I was faced with a statement that made me pause and evaluate: "You do not have to sin." Well my inner, immediate response was of course, "Easy for you to say, you must not have desires" Well the speaker went on to say that he does in fact struggle as well, but that we are to master sin and not let it master us.
Genesis 4:7 "If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But, if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door, it desires to have you, but you must master it."
I don't know about you, but I can't. If my daily struggle alone must continue as it is, then let's be honest, I will give in eventually (if not sooner). Once something has been opened to my senses, it is a battle forever. It seems hopeless. Once the fruit in the garden was tasted, life changed forever...even now.

So where is the hope that I have struggled to find for so long? How can it be accepted? Go to the source...

Romans 6:14 "For sin shall not be your master, because you are not under the law, but under grace."Grace!!! How does that fit in? Where is the receiving point for grace?

2 Corinthians 1:9-11 "Indeed in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raised the dead. He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and He will deliver us, as you help us by your prayers. Then many will give thanks on our behalf for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many." Rely on God! The source of all power, even over death has given us full access to Himself! Read that again: deliver us from peril...deliverance through prayer...resulting in praise from many! Another point I feel compelled to make at this point (I say compelled because I am not the type to easily go along with this point...see the basement in previous posting) is that the believers praying with him were aware of the problem he was facing SO THAT they could also praise through the deliverance as well. That's a hard part to swallow. Who really wants to share their guilt, shame, and constant failure? Those who desire God to have greater glory and praise when He delvers us!!! Hard, but true. We all fail, we all want that hidden, but we are to be delivered even from what we fight to hide.

Psalms 19:12-13 "Who can discern his own errors? Forgive my hidden faults. Keep your servant also from willful sins; may they not rule over me. Then I will be blameless, innocent of great transgression." We can have full redemption. David was so convinced that he declared with the Lord's power he could be innocent.

Romans 14:4 "Who are you to judge someone else's servant? To his own master he stands or falls. And he will stand. For the Lord is able to make him stand." There is a power greater than death that we cannot even imagine that is just waiting, no anticipating excitedly for the moment we open the door to our addictions and temptations and cry out for help, believing that His power is mighty to save.

1 Corinthians 6:12-14 "Everything is permissible for me-but not everything is beneficial. Everything is permissible for me-but I will not be mastered by anything. Food for the stomach and the stomach for food-but God will destroy them both. The body is not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord and the Lord for the body. By His power God raised the Lord from the dead and he will raise us also." He will raise us also!!! Raise us from the pit of our own pride and failures to shine with the light of His power for His glory!

Anyone else feel like being delivered???

Please note: There may be many errors and oversights here, but I do not claim to have the wisdom or gift of teaching that many others do. I was given a word, and this word may one day be helpful to someone other than myself. So, in the effort of having public accountability for my own struggles, the event that someone else may need it, and the need to remember this myself, here it is!

You are Victorious

Verse 1:
I need a moment of Your time
Only You can see me through
This mess I find is mine
It's not a battle that I like
But You have called me to
So I must fight

Chorus:
I've gotta take up (take up)
This armor You provide
And with the weapons at my side
I've gotta run to You
For the battle up ahead
O You are victorious
And with You the battle is won

Verse 2:
Sometimes I just can't comprehend
How important it is
To move ahead
There's pieces that I've left behind
You will redeem them all
For Your glory instead

Chorus 2:
I'm gonna take up (take up)
This armor You provide
And with the weapons at my side
I'm gonna run with You
In the battle up ahead
O You are victorious
And with You the battle is won

Bridge:
You are victorious in battle
Victorious in life
The victory is Your's
The victory is Your's
O You are victorious
And with You the battle is won